something old, something new

I'm going to be completely honest and say that this year has not got off to a good start. January has, on the whole, been rubbish so far and it feels like pretty much everything that could go wrong, has. I was fairly realistic about the chances of the year being 'new' in any sort of way, but even I probably couldn't have imagined just how much like old times it would seem.

At times like these creativity seems in short supply. I am slowly learning how to maintain the energy for myself when times are hard, but meanwhile crochet seems like a good plan. A little playing around with colour and shape and the prospect of yarn shopping is just enough excitement for me right now.

I'm planning another blanket, hopefully using Rowan's luscious Felted Tweed DK if funds allow. I've worked the sample squares shown above in a cheaper DK to see what effect I like best. At the moment I'm rather liking the little stars, but I might make the squares smaller.

I hope to be able to report back on progress very soon... tomorrow I'm going on a yarn-buying expedition. This makes me very happy.

pathways

I have been thinking about pathways... the sort that we follow through life... the sort that make connections in our brains... the sort we walked along this weekend along the beautiful shoreline in south Cumbria... somehow they all meet up along the way as we try to make sense of the journey.

As my aim for this year is to learn how to be kind to myself, I have been thinking about how my thoughts go along certain pathways when I don't actually want to go in that direction... how thoughts throw you off course and you suddenly find yourself wandering aimlessly and wondering how you got there.

When I am emotionally drained and feel burdened by the pressure of responsibility, I can't be creative. I just can't. But I'm not sure why. I become angry and full of a destructive energy that works directly at odds with creativity. I spin into a strange state where I simultaneously wish to deprive myself of stimuli and also manically sort things out into some kind of order. I need to work out why I do this and what would be a kinder way of reacting... this way I hope to learn how to continue creating at some level even when things feel difficult.

This weekend marks the two-year anniversary of my list-keeping exercise over at Listography. Five things that make me happy every day... it opens my eyes, makes me notice, makes me thankful, keeps me a little bit sane some days... it's a wonderful way of recording the rhythms of the year. You can read about why I started it here.

goodbye 2011

Perhaps inspired by the elegant decomposition surrounding Miss Havisham at Satis Hall, perhaps by the fragility of a searing headache, perhaps by the almost imperceptible slipping away of another twelve months, I have put together a mosaic of some of this year's Flickr favourites with a slightly ethereal, other-worldly feel...

There is nothing remarkable about these days... the weather is damp, the hours of daylight are short, the house is quiet. Books are being read, photo archives are being sorted out, words are being written down, turkey is being slowly eaten up. I am grateful for this time, which was badly needed.

I feel I have completed 2011 now*, and I am ready for 2012 which is going to be my year of being kind to myself... whatever that means... we will find out... I like adventures.

*See Megan's post for more about this: http://thescentofwater.typepad.com/archive/2011/12/christmas.html

With thanks to my Flickr contacts for these beautiful images:1. waiting for you, 2. 095, 3. Feather collection, 4. DETERMINATION, 5. Untitled, 6. Untitled, 7. january0211_1, 8. Voewood heart, 9. Pine Cones

the darkest day

Sometime tonight, just before tomorrow arrives, the sun will appear to stop in its tracks, and we in the northern hemisphere will experience the darkest, bleakest hours of winter before the earth begins to slowly turn again towards the light and the sun starts its journey southwards.

Solstice means ‘stand still’ and this is exactly what I feel compelled to do at this time of year: to be quiet and still, and think about all that has happened in the six months since the warmth and light of the summer solstice, and about all that might happen before we reach that time again next year.

For me, this time of thinking and being still has much more resonance than the fizz and pop of New Year’s Eve, which seems more like a sparkling finale to the Christmas festivities and a launch pad for the fresh new start which, by then, we all crave.

In these few days of calm, I find myself reflecting on all I have done and seen and felt since the summer. It has been a very mixed time for me this year and there has been a lot of worry and distraction. Creativity and positive energy has been scarce.

But just as the passing of the seasons brings continual renewal, there is the chance to stop and change direction, and this is my hope and intent for the next turn of the wheel. I have read much this year about caring for oneself, loving oneself, being kind to oneself. What if I set out to have as much fun as possible, to enjoy myself? What if I shed the skin of anxiety and worry, the sense of being under judgement, of needing to earn rest and peace and happiness? What if I chose to play more?

I expect lots of you – if you have managed to read this far – are rolling your eyes at this. It probably seems obvious. But I think freedom can be a difficult concept to accept. The prison gate is open, but we are afraid to leave.

Tonight and tomorrow I will light up the house with as many candles and fairy lights as we can find, the fire will burn brightly and we will have a few drinks to bring warmth and light to our bones. Lightness and brightness to lead us out of the darkness and into life.

we have winners...

And they are...

Vivienne of Green Rabbit Designs, Annie of Knitsofacto, Frances of City Views, Country Dreams, Tess of Driftwood, and Helen of A Gallimaufry (Helen I can't find an email contact for you, so please email me with your postal address).

Thank you all for your lovely comments and for your continued support and appreciation which is always very very welcome. A little wreath or heart will be winging its way to the five winners very soon!

a catch-up and a giveaway

Since we last met I've been doing various things...

I have visited (too briefly) the brilliantly inspiring Grayson Perry exhibition at the British Museum. It was brilliant, I would love to go again... don't miss it if you are passing through London.

I am reading Journal of a Solitude by May Sarton and am just about to start Wolf Hall.

I have joined a new choir and we are singing Vivaldi's Gloria and lots of lovely Christmassy music.

I have bought an easel and have begun to experiment with painting standing up. I love the sense of freedom and energy in the body when working this way.

I have been enjoying looking at the still lifes of John Bellany and the work of Janet Melrose:


I have also reached a hundred followers, which is lovely, and as a thank you I have a few bits and bobs from last years mouse winter shop that need a home... just leave a comment whether you are a follower or not and I will select three or four winners at random on Sunday evening.

I wish I could tell you the maker of the beautiful ceramic work at the top of the post... but I've forgotten... sorry.

paint it black

Thank you so much to all who took the trouble to comment on my last post - an overwhelming vote of confidence in favour of black and self-expression!

I was delighted to find a new post on the Will Kemp Art School blog this week covering this very topic. Some of you may be interested to read it... it's here.